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Are kidney thieves still a thing? [Jan. 12th, 2014|09:05 pm]
Poly Bitchings

[Current Mood |beyond crappy]

Back in September my (now ex) primary & I set about writing the 1st draft of our relationship contract as we officially embarked on our poly adventure. Some degree of openness had been discussed since we started dating a year before. At this point we'd been to 2 sex parties, which had ended up being pretty lame & disappointing IMO. I suggested we try poly as I felt I would have a better shot feeling sexually attracted to someone in a dating context. We did an extensive amount of reading, researching, thinking and discussing. It wasn't something we took lightly. We spent a lot of time discussing the fact that, no matter what, our relationship was primary and would be prioritized even if that meant sacrifice in the other relationships.

Flash forward a few months:

My ex started talking to a girl in Peru online (we live in the US). After 1 or 2 days, they were clearly quite infatuated w/ one another. It was a bit creepy to me personally. Then, because she wasn't into "sharing" they decided that they should talk less and only as friends. He asked me if it was OK if he went to meet her. Given that this would be his first "date" & he was already having strong feelings for her, I had my misgivings. The fact that she's (supposedly) a medical student/ model didn't help my insecurities either. But in the end I agreed to let him go, believing in the strength of our relationship. This was all part of the poly experiment after all and even if he had feelings for her, that didn't take anything away from the strength and depth of our relationship. Besides, she's in Peru and as he told me, they'd probably only see each other the one time and their feelings would wane because of the distance. According to him, I was making a bigger deal out of it than it was. When we were still in the pre-poly discussion phase, my ex had impressed upon me the fact that loyalty was extremely important to him. He wouldn't abandon me as my dad had abandoned my family. Especially not after my being there for him through an extremely difficult break-up with his ex. Especially given that our relationship was "extraordinary" and "rare". It just wouldn't make sense to leave me for something new & unknown, particularly given that these new, exciting feelings would eventually fade. He said he would have the loyalty, commitment & self-awareness to handle NRE. So I trusted him,


He left for Peru this past Friday. The days leading up to the trip, I'd been feeling icky & distant. We hadn't seen each other as much as usual.There were also some changes in behavior on his part, but they were small things that could be explained away easily enough. I was actually feeling ok about the trip itself but I didn't want him to leave while I was feeling that way, without at least discussing how I was feeling. So Wednesday night, I said "lets have dinner tomorrow" & he agreed. Late afternoon/ early evening on Thursday, I texted him to let him know that I'd be going straight to his place after work. He responded that he'd be having dinner w/ his parents instead supposedly because he didn't have much food at home. I knew his mom was giving him a ride to the airport but now he was saying that he'd be staying the night there even though his parents are twice as far from the airport. Then he dropped the "we need to talk" bomb, which we wouldn't be able to do for another few hours. Mind you, he did this once before and I told him how fucked up it was to let someone stew in their own misery, waiting for the other shoe to drop. So there I am at work, shaking with anger on the verge of tears asking him if he's planning to break up with me. Again. He said he doesn't know what's right. At this point he's at the gym, and says he's going to go home for a shower after. I'm too upset to stay at work so I tell him I'm leaving and we should talk after he's done showering. I text him to let him know that I'm home and when he gets around to responding, he says he's already at his parents'. He finally calls me and he's so upset that he can barely tell me whats going on. Finally he explains that he has secretly been talking to the Peruvian girl the past couple nights and things have suddenly gotten so serious that its giving him strong doubts about our relationship. I had asked him that weekend & they hadn't spoken for a few weeks after the first couple times, except once when she called to confirm the time of his flight. So it only took one conversation to plant that enormous seed of doubt. Otherwise- as required by our contract- he would've mentioned that they'd started talking again. I rarely drink but I'd been drinking since I got home and while I was coherent, I was starting to slur and become belligerent. He hung up on me and texted my Mom to come check on me,

The next morning, I write him an email, detailing the myriad ways he has fucked up. We text back and forth while he makes his way to the airport. Despite the awful way he treated me the night before, he's actually surprised that i'm breaking up with him. We continue talking and in a moment of weakness, I say that I would be willing to consider things if he just didn't go on the trip. His response? "That won't solve anything". I practically beg him not to go, saying that his deciding to stay would show me that he's not all talk; that he's willing to put our relationship first; that he's willing to sacrifice and do the work of saving our relationship. For somebody he called his family, somebody that he claimed to want to marry- we went shopping for an engagement ring- I clearly didn't mean much to him at that moment. He went on his trip.

What I just can't get past is the cowardly, selfish, stupid way he's handled this whole thing. I could accept that he's having strong feelings for somebody else. We went into this experiment with the expectation that this might happen. What I don't get is why he turned it into an either/ or situation. Isn't the point of the poly thing that you don't have to choose? He told me that he wasn't having any doubts about us until the past couple days of talking to her, so doesn't it seem pretty likely that he's just struggling with some hardcore NRE? How could he be so oblivious after all we talked about? After he was adamant that he would be able to deal with this. And beyond that, he was such a coward to scamper off to Mommy & Daddy's house so he wouldn't have to deal with me face to face. And texting me that we needed to talk, hours before we would even have a chance to? So fucking insensitive. And its unbelievably selfish that he decided to go on the trip even though I practically begged him not to and was so clear about what it would mean to me. It just makes me so angry. And just from a logical standpoint, what can he possibly get out of the next couple days with her that will be worth all of this? I would think that this is just his spineless way of ending our relationship but then why was he surprised that I was breaking up with him? Why was he expecting to talk things over when he got back? Why did he tell me that he was thinking of me and missing me?

The only thing I can think of is that he's got his head so far up his ass that he just can't understand how I feel in all of this.

I'm hoping she turns out to be a kidney thief.
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Oh thank gawd! [Dec. 29th, 2006|07:38 am]
Poly Bitchings
[Current Location |Portland, OR]
[Current Mood |annoyedannoyed]

This is just the community I need at the moment because I definitely have a poly rant!

Here is my back story:
I have been poly for almost ten years. Four years ago, I met my current primary M. Since that time I have gone out on a few sparse dates, but none have lead to anything more than flirting and maybe mild foreplay. The reason: I have become extremely picky. Why? First and foremost, I have very precious little free time due to working full-time and attending first under-grad and now grad school; and second, after much personal and self-esteem work I realized that just because I'm poly, for me, doesn't mean I need to sleep with everyone who shows an interest in me.

Here is my bitch:
I am sick of people questioning whether I am still poly when I don't hook up with them. Hello! If I don't that means that I'm not interested in YOU! Time for you to have a reality check and stop questioning my polyness. I would still very much like to develop various types of relationships outside of my primary relationship if they present themselves, however I have yet to make that connection with anyone in the last several years. Like I said, I'm very picky and most of the people I've been associated with over the last four years have been interconnected between my partner and I. Personally I'm done with the whole incestuous nature of mutual friends.

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Rantynes [Dec. 27th, 2006|11:39 am]
Poly Bitchings

So, as a bit of backstory:

I've been hanging out with a guy lately, but our schedules don't seem to be meshing well, we haven't "gone out" so much as hung out as friends, and my sex drive has been nill, so it's not like we're even casually dating.

When I met him, he was with a girl who was here for the summer, but then she went home and he's had a lot of drama with that whole situation. She was cute, we were both interested, but didn't find that out until later so nothing happened.

She just came back for the holidays, bringing a lot of drama with her. He has bitched to me a couple times about the whole situation. And cute as she is, and as much as I would really love some female action right now, she's a drama source and not as careful with her body as I prefer my partners to be.

So anyway, we were all three at a party at a friends' house. I was cuddled up to him on the couch, she was using him as a footrest, and at one point flipped around so we were both cuddled up to him. He got up for a minute and left the room, and I said to her, "Hey sorry I'm not trying to steal your date, just his warmth." And she replied, "That's ok, I can share," and winked at me. Shortly thereafter, she was cuddled up to ME, and I was doing the "Yay I have a pretty girl on my boobs" dance. They covertly invited me to have a threesome (in that they asked in a joking voice if I'd like to, so it could be passed off as a joke if I said no). And now he's confused because I said no.

WTF? I mean come on! Just because I'm bi and poly doesn't mean I sleep with every person I'm interested in, no matter how long it's been since I slept with a girl. One of the few rules my BF and I have is to avoid drama whenever possible, and I fall for girls easily. So why start a shitstorm when it can be avoided by simply going home and resting my very tired brain and body?

I know I probably shouldn't be so set off by him being confused, but this kind of hit a raw nerve. I've been feeling like everyone's sex toy of late, and a few months ago started kind of backing off, because I feel like people think if I'm friendly or even cuddly that it's a promise to have sex with them. I'm sick of it, and I don't understand why it's so confusing to everyone.

Really, *I* don't even know if I'm going to have sex with someone today or not until it's happening, and I am not afraid to stop at any time, whether we're done or not, if I'm not enjoying myself for whatever reason. I don't see how being fully clothed, not promising a thing, even SAYING how I'm tired and should go home soon, but letting a pretty girl rest her head on my boobs and not touching her sexually in any way is considered a promise of anything.

GRR!!! I didn't want to, what's so confusing about that?
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common practice [Mar. 27th, 2006|03:13 am]
Poly Bitchings

Is it the practice of all polyamorous men to sleep with the babysitter?

Despite our arrangements, my boyfriend has done it twice. I mean seriously, I'm afraid to get a baysitter under the age of 50!
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The Distance Grows [Oct. 4th, 2005|04:45 am]
Poly Bitchings

[Current Mood |lonelylonely]
[Current Music |I'm like a Bird (Grammy Performance with Steve Vai)]

I am a bit empty as of late.

I am in love with a beautiful woman. She has a wonderful wife. We all know about and like each other. The world was spinning in fuzzy little circles. I will call my girl friend Ann and her wife Nancy since I don't want to "out" them without speaking to them first.

I met Ann at the beginning of the year at college and fell "In Love" with her inside a week. From my perspective, our relationship grew quickly in amazing directions. We seemed to be in touch with each other every few days. I felt like there was nowhere I could go where she was not with me.

Over the summer my girlfriend, Ann, went to a couple of functions with her wife, Nancy. Then Ann went back to the east coast to see family. Before she left, she told me she would be out of touch for about two weeks (Not comfortable, but I was OK with it). I told her then, that I would want some of her time when she returned. A few weeks after she got back, school started for both of us, at the same time, I have not heard from her. I send poetry to her on occasion, IM message once a week or so. No response.

I feel like I am "desperate" for her attention...like I am begging for her time. I don't contact her more because I believe that she is an adult and if she stays away, it is because she needs that time to deal with important things. And I ABSOLUTELY want her to have that freedom!

I would seriously enjoy her keeping in touch with me. I mean, engage me, seriously, as though I was important to her. I am not talking about sex (Goddess knows that would be a nice idea). I am talking about a movie, a date, I would even be thrilled with a serious email or two.

It is like a chasm is growing between us. I have no idea where she is, only that she is not in this "relationship" with me. And feeling this chasm growing inside me, I have been having...doubt. I am having feelings that "she has forgotten me," or "I hurt her in someway. So now, I am not important enough." (Talk about unhealthy.)

The reason I bring this up here is to ask a couple of questions. Should I just go away quietly? Am I allowing my emotions to cloud my judgment? Are there any good ways to shake this empty, confused, hurt feeling?

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Perfect! [Aug. 31st, 2005|04:14 pm]
Poly Bitchings
I have never seen something so perfect. Here I am bitchin & moanin about my Poly life, and lo and behold what do I find???

Here is a little intro and then on to my bitch of the day

Poly for 7 years in a FFM triad. Although we have been more of a V for a couple of years now. I am the "other" woman attached to an already married couple.

Our relationship has been extremely rocky as of late. I am not getting along with my g/f AT ALL. I can't even call her my friend right now. Even though my relationship with the husband is strong, even that has been suffering from it too.

We always argue about money & general housekeeping rules. I am at my wits end. Any suggestions on how to set up some our finances 3 ways besides by thirds? I work 2 jobs, go to school and make the least amount of money in the house but pay almost 70% of the mortgage along with my own expenses related to personal debt (car, credit cards, gym etc.). Literally every penny is accounted for in my budget but yet I am always being chastised for not contributing to extracirricular activites.

I have a low tolerance for messes, however I am the first person to leave for work and the last person to arrive home for the day. Am I being unreasonable for assuming that someone else is going to cook & clean by the time I roll in at 7pm? On the weekends I am always cooking & cleaning up, seems fair to me.

Someone please either validate my feelings or tell me to shut the hell up. I am just frustrated. Help!
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I love [Jul. 13th, 2005|02:52 pm]
Poly Bitchings

[Current Mood |grumpygrumpy]

I do, I love that there are so many confrences and camps and what-have-yous... but ffs! It seems my f/list is filled with them atm. Can't we put them all nice and neatly behind a cut tag AT THE START OF THE POST with, for example, just the name of the whatever it is as the cut tag label, so that those of us who aren't going to the three million and fifty listed can actually get down our friends pages, and those who are can still click on whichever one, or two, or three million that they're going to.

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(no subject) [May. 31st, 2005|07:48 pm]
Poly Bitchings
Terribly sorry, I know this is a bit long, but I very much need the relief of getting it off my chest, and am also hoping I might be able to get some advice.

intro/bitching/advice request extra value mealCollapse )

X-posted to a couple different communities, too frazzled at the moment to recall exactly which.
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"Don't ask, don't tell" [May. 25th, 2005|02:03 am]
Poly Bitchings

You know what? I feckin' *hate* "don't ask, don't tell" setups.

So why am I in one?!?

I'm married to bridiep, who doesn't like to know what I get up to other than with her. Or at least, she says she doesn't want to know, but she always seems to want to try to find out.

Fair enough thinks I, it's up to her I suppose, but it always causes tension between us and it's now caused a load of tension with an old friend / ex-shag of mine.

Many years ago said old friend -- let's call her "Pink Satan" purely for the sake of keeping her anonymous -- was shagging me some of the time, and also seeing a couple of other blokes some of the rest of the time (both of whom were very close friends of mine). I was already seeing Bridie, and had another semi-regular partner or two too. All seemed well; we all, more-or-less, knew about each other. I think. One can never be entirely sure.

Entirely out of the blue Pink Satan contacts me again some nine years or so after I've last heard anything from her. We chat away about all sorts of stuff and seem to be getting on fine. She is apparently in a relationship with some new chap who is away rather a lot and is spending ages out of the country. She wants to come and visit me sometime soon to catch up.

Now, I didn't assume that catching up was going to necessarily involve fucking like rabbits for the entire weekend. I didn't assume, either, that fucking like rabbits was definitely *not* on the agenda. I was going to see what happened, with no preconceptions on my part.

Given that, I suggested that Pink Satan come visit this coming weekend, since Bridie is off on a bellydancing workshop a couple of hundred miles away. I told Pink Satan that Bridie was going to be away and so that might be a good weekend to come visit, since I'd be all lonely and by myself and all.

I didn't tell Bridie about this arrangement, not because I didn't want to, but because she's expressed an interest in *not* knowing about any other relationships I have (difficult as that makes things at times, and pointless as it is anyway 'cos she often finds out about them through other means). I had no idea if I was going to shag Pink Satan or not this weekend, or whether it would lead to a renewal of our previous relationship, or what; it seemed to be best not to bother Bridie with it 'cos I know her well enough to know she *would* be bothered, and would assume that the shagging was going to be a major feature of the weekend whether or not it was in reality.

Pink Satan is not well enough to come and visit. She phoned to let me know this today. Because she phoned when I was out fencing, she left the message with Bridie instead... and Bridie expressed surprise that Pink Satan was due to visit at all. Apparently Pink Satan, and her partner who was listening in, were both mortified at the fact that I'd not told Bridie. PS and her new fella are in a "committed relationship", Bridie tells me (as if our relationship is somehow uncommitted). They're now both very embarrassed and quite angry. Bridie somehow feels she has a right to be angry with me too.

At present my reaction is quite close to "fuck 'em all, and the assorted horses they rode in on. With goats."

Perhaps I'm overreacting.

I don't entirely see how I'm the bad guy here. I would happily be honest with all concerned, but *Bridie* decided she didn't want that. This puts me in a difficult position because I have to act like what I'm doing is a dirty secret, when I don't think it should be.

I don't quite see how Pink Satan can pretend to such a sense of outrage when as far as I knew till today she may or may not have still been polyamorous. She certainly knew I was still polyamorous, and knows what that is.

I can see that Bridie might not want to know the nitty-gritty of every other woman I snog or fuck. Why the hell does she have to make life so difficult regarding not knowing anything at all about other women I spend time with though? I know that if I'd told her Pink Satan was coming to visit, she would have been suddenly very interested, as well as paranoid, and it would have made her feel bad. Is Bridie just not cut out for polyamory? Should we just not call what we do polyamory, and call it a fuckup instead? This is about the only thing we ever bloody argue about, but given that both of us have always had the sexual morals of a pair of alleycats I don't see that she has any reason to pretend she's somehow the one in the right here....
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(no subject) [Feb. 12th, 2005|03:29 am]
Poly Bitchings

Busy community, then?
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