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"Don't ask, don't tell" [May. 25th, 2005|02:03 am]
Poly Bitchings


You know what? I feckin' *hate* "don't ask, don't tell" setups.

So why am I in one?!?

I'm married to bridiep, who doesn't like to know what I get up to other than with her. Or at least, she says she doesn't want to know, but she always seems to want to try to find out.

Fair enough thinks I, it's up to her I suppose, but it always causes tension between us and it's now caused a load of tension with an old friend / ex-shag of mine.

Many years ago said old friend -- let's call her "Pink Satan" purely for the sake of keeping her anonymous -- was shagging me some of the time, and also seeing a couple of other blokes some of the rest of the time (both of whom were very close friends of mine). I was already seeing Bridie, and had another semi-regular partner or two too. All seemed well; we all, more-or-less, knew about each other. I think. One can never be entirely sure.

Entirely out of the blue Pink Satan contacts me again some nine years or so after I've last heard anything from her. We chat away about all sorts of stuff and seem to be getting on fine. She is apparently in a relationship with some new chap who is away rather a lot and is spending ages out of the country. She wants to come and visit me sometime soon to catch up.

Now, I didn't assume that catching up was going to necessarily involve fucking like rabbits for the entire weekend. I didn't assume, either, that fucking like rabbits was definitely *not* on the agenda. I was going to see what happened, with no preconceptions on my part.

Given that, I suggested that Pink Satan come visit this coming weekend, since Bridie is off on a bellydancing workshop a couple of hundred miles away. I told Pink Satan that Bridie was going to be away and so that might be a good weekend to come visit, since I'd be all lonely and by myself and all.

I didn't tell Bridie about this arrangement, not because I didn't want to, but because she's expressed an interest in *not* knowing about any other relationships I have (difficult as that makes things at times, and pointless as it is anyway 'cos she often finds out about them through other means). I had no idea if I was going to shag Pink Satan or not this weekend, or whether it would lead to a renewal of our previous relationship, or what; it seemed to be best not to bother Bridie with it 'cos I know her well enough to know she *would* be bothered, and would assume that the shagging was going to be a major feature of the weekend whether or not it was in reality.

Pink Satan is not well enough to come and visit. She phoned to let me know this today. Because she phoned when I was out fencing, she left the message with Bridie instead... and Bridie expressed surprise that Pink Satan was due to visit at all. Apparently Pink Satan, and her partner who was listening in, were both mortified at the fact that I'd not told Bridie. PS and her new fella are in a "committed relationship", Bridie tells me (as if our relationship is somehow uncommitted). They're now both very embarrassed and quite angry. Bridie somehow feels she has a right to be angry with me too.

At present my reaction is quite close to "fuck 'em all, and the assorted horses they rode in on. With goats."

Perhaps I'm overreacting.

I don't entirely see how I'm the bad guy here. I would happily be honest with all concerned, but *Bridie* decided she didn't want that. This puts me in a difficult position because I have to act like what I'm doing is a dirty secret, when I don't think it should be.

I don't quite see how Pink Satan can pretend to such a sense of outrage when as far as I knew till today she may or may not have still been polyamorous. She certainly knew I was still polyamorous, and knows what that is.

I can see that Bridie might not want to know the nitty-gritty of every other woman I snog or fuck. Why the hell does she have to make life so difficult regarding not knowing anything at all about other women I spend time with though? I know that if I'd told her Pink Satan was coming to visit, she would have been suddenly very interested, as well as paranoid, and it would have made her feel bad. Is Bridie just not cut out for polyamory? Should we just not call what we do polyamory, and call it a fuckup instead? This is about the only thing we ever bloody argue about, but given that both of us have always had the sexual morals of a pair of alleycats I don't see that she has any reason to pretend she's somehow the one in the right here....

From: dis_integrate
2005-06-23 07:25 pm (UTC)
Is Bridie just not cut out for polyamory?

Aye, I think it sounds like you're right. Poly is all about being open and honest. A great "3 rules for poly" I've seen on chats and message boards:
1) Communicate everything.
2) Never move faster than the slowest person.
3) Communicate everything.

(Note rules 1 and 3...)

While it's true that it could've been a bit awkward for her to receive that phone call, it sure sounds like the awkwardness is mostly, if not entirely, her own fault for choosing to be incommunicative (is that a word?) with you about your and her polyness.

I do hope you guys get things figured out!
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[User Picture]From: serpentstar
2005-06-25 04:05 am (UTC)
I think we're mostly there now -- I've told her that I will in future be telling her all about any polyamorous or potentially polyamorous activity I get up to, and she's accepted that....
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From: auguste_inapril
2007-06-22 05:31 pm (UTC)
Yeah, that's what I was going to say..I thought it was about communicating.:/
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[User Picture]From: cavalorn
2005-09-16 12:24 am (UTC)
Last time we spoke, Pink Satan was worried that you're not speaking to her and thinks she may have blown it. Not sure if this is old news or not.
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[User Picture]From: serpentstar
2005-09-16 03:52 am (UTC)
Ah. I just haven't gotten round to answering her email yet. It's on my To Do list.
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