||[Aug. 31st, 2005|04:14 pm]
I have never seen something so perfect. Here I am bitchin & moanin about my Poly life, and lo and behold what do I find???|
Here is a little intro and then on to my bitch of the day
Poly for 7 years in a FFM triad. Although we have been more of a V for a couple of years now. I am the "other" woman attached to an already married couple.
Our relationship has been extremely rocky as of late. I am not getting along with my g/f AT ALL. I can't even call her my friend right now. Even though my relationship with the husband is strong, even that has been suffering from it too.
We always argue about money & general housekeeping rules. I am at my wits end. Any suggestions on how to set up some our finances 3 ways besides by thirds? I work 2 jobs, go to school and make the least amount of money in the house but pay almost 70% of the mortgage along with my own expenses related to personal debt (car, credit cards, gym etc.). Literally every penny is accounted for in my budget but yet I am always being chastised for not contributing to extracirricular activites.
I have a low tolerance for messes, however I am the first person to leave for work and the last person to arrive home for the day. Am I being unreasonable for assuming that someone else is going to cook & clean by the time I roll in at 7pm? On the weekends I am always cooking & cleaning up, seems fair to me.
Someone please either validate my feelings or tell me to shut the hell up. I am just frustrated. Help!
How frustrating! Don't you think you could ask them for another arrangement (esp. in regards to the dishes)? Do you ever talk it out and talk about taking turns or making a schedule? Also, is it your house? How did you get stuck with so much of the mortage? (Just curious).
Yes we have had the conversation and I have asked for assistance but never receive it. But I think a total rearrangement of the bill situation is in order.
It was supposed to be "our" house, but they have horrible credit and I only qualified. It was a deal we couldn't pass up.
As far as the chores, nothing has ever been formally arranged. Just common courtesy, if you make a mess clean it up. But that isn't working either.
2005-09-01 12:59 pm (UTC)
Not sure how useful it'll be since it'll take input and compromise all round (which is what us hyper-evolved poly types're s'posed to be good at anyway <wry smile>), but have just trawled me bookmarks 'cause I was sure I had something somewhere about this, and bingo! Found it: Polyamory Finances
There's other practical stuff on the site too, and I dug the link out of Polyamory-related books, links, and resources
Hope you manage to find some resolution - and glad the comm. was useful. :)
That is great! Thank you so much. Hopefully we can get things in order soon!
One thought I have is, have they both seen a breakdown of your budgeting? If you've got a spreadsheet program then that rocks, but if not a pencil and a pad of paper, along with paystubs and expense info will do just fine. Sounds like one or both of them is coming to the incorrect conclusion that you're sitting on extra money.
They definitely need to kick in with household chores, too. This might seem way out of left field, but I've an idea that if you tackle this like disciplining children, maybe they'll listen up. So far being reasonable hasn't worked, so maybe start laying out punishments for them if they don't help. I see in one of the comments here that it's technically your house. So maybe politely explain that if they continue to keep the home a pigsty that they can move out and you'll sell and get a smaller place on your own. (Even if you're not really considering doing this, it might make them wake up and smell the coffee.) Or smaller things, like just refuse to fix meals for them if they can't even be bothered to do the dishes.
Good luck to you. I hope things get worked out!
Yeah I made a snide comment like everyone should fend for themselves and do their own damn dishes then...
Didn't go over so well. I was accused of lashing out and just being mean.
Apparently I am too unappreciative and quick to criticize the cook.
Thanks for the tips...
2005-09-01 06:11 pm (UTC)
Re: They are being very unfair.
i agree with the conclusion, but the way suggested is going to backfire.
i'm working with the assumption you want a amicable resolution that involves equitable distrubution of money, a clean home and a lack of snarky comments on everyone's part.
you're going to need a lot of patience for yourself and both of them to get this on track, but don't start out with the idea of punishing... rather, when you break things down say listen, this is what i can afford, this is what we can afford. if i'm home cleaning all weekend, i'm not going to want to go out and i'm not going to feel very romantic when i'm up to my elbows in borax and windex.
Thanks for that. I will have to try to exercise restraint a little better next time.