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The Distance Grows [Oct. 4th, 2005|04:45 am]
Poly Bitchings

poly_bitch

[cifier77]
[Current Mood |lonelylonely]
[Current Music |I'm like a Bird (Grammy Performance with Steve Vai)]

I am a bit empty as of late.

I am in love with a beautiful woman. She has a wonderful wife. We all know about and like each other. The world was spinning in fuzzy little circles. I will call my girl friend Ann and her wife Nancy since I don't want to "out" them without speaking to them first.

I met Ann at the beginning of the year at college and fell "In Love" with her inside a week. From my perspective, our relationship grew quickly in amazing directions. We seemed to be in touch with each other every few days. I felt like there was nowhere I could go where she was not with me.

Over the summer my girlfriend, Ann, went to a couple of functions with her wife, Nancy. Then Ann went back to the east coast to see family. Before she left, she told me she would be out of touch for about two weeks (Not comfortable, but I was OK with it). I told her then, that I would want some of her time when she returned. A few weeks after she got back, school started for both of us, at the same time, I have not heard from her. I send poetry to her on occasion, IM message once a week or so. No response.

I feel like I am "desperate" for her attention...like I am begging for her time. I don't contact her more because I believe that she is an adult and if she stays away, it is because she needs that time to deal with important things. And I ABSOLUTELY want her to have that freedom!

I would seriously enjoy her keeping in touch with me. I mean, engage me, seriously, as though I was important to her. I am not talking about sex (Goddess knows that would be a nice idea). I am talking about a movie, a date, I would even be thrilled with a serious email or two.

It is like a chasm is growing between us. I have no idea where she is, only that she is not in this "relationship" with me. And feeling this chasm growing inside me, I have been having...doubt. I am having feelings that "she has forgotten me," or "I hurt her in someway. So now, I am not important enough." (Talk about unhealthy.)

The reason I bring this up here is to ask a couple of questions. Should I just go away quietly? Am I allowing my emotions to cloud my judgment? Are there any good ways to shake this empty, confused, hurt feeling?

Louis
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: mskylierocks
2005-10-05 01:41 am (UTC)
Oh, that is a very sad tale and it sounds a bit doubtful that it will have a happy ending. All I can think is that she needs to be away right now. Clearly she does know how to contact you. I think you might leave it up to her to decide what she needs right now. I know that isn't fair to you. It does sound like you need an explanation. Have you thought about writing a letter to let her know how you are feeling?
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[User Picture]From: cifier77
2005-10-08 01:22 am (UTC)

Nothing spoken, nothing gained, nothing lost...yet

I spoke to her before she left to go back east. I told her I really wanted her energy and her time when she returned. She said it would possible.

I don't want to face that it's over. I love her today, as I loved her yesterday, as I loved her on our first date.

I promised myself if I ever fell in love again, I would give 100% of me. Poetry, music, tenderness and all.

I feel paralyzed. I want to go on, at the same time, I don't want to lose her. And all the while I have a fantasy that she would remember me. But nothing, not even a

But, no, I have not written her a letter. I don't want to have to BEG for her time. I will not be with her, if I have to constantly request her time. If I am so boring, so pathetic, so unimportant that she can just forget about me, then I will cry for a while, throw a few things, play a lot of video-games, watch some porn and I will just get over it.
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[User Picture]From: mskylierocks
2005-10-10 06:31 pm (UTC)

Re: Nothing spoken, nothing gained, nothing lost...yet

Video games and porn. That is a time-tested cure for sure. Best of luck with these difficult times.
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[User Picture]From: 7rin
2005-10-07 07:13 am (UTC)
Ouch! Fwiw, if it was me, I'd be giving up on it about now. If someone doesn't respect me enough to at least give me just a "look, not right now, ok?", then it ain't likely to work out in the long run. I'd definitely be shutting down the relationship mentally in my head in preperation for it being officially Over until I had some response back. Which isn't to say I wouldn't allow the relationship to reform once whatever the problem is is over, but it'd take some working through.

It's up to you whether you're willing to walk away or not, but it seems daft to me to keep hurting yourself more with hopes. Not that I don't do such things. *rueful g*
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[User Picture]From: cifier77
2005-10-08 01:43 am (UTC)

I got my walkin' boots, just don't know where to go.

I am willing to walk away, make no mistake. I just don't want to walk away when there is something between us. I mean, if she really loves me, I would stay and deal with this empty space a while longer. I just don't want to jump the gun.

I feel so good being with her. Even when she is away, I am a part of something special. I am more than a man, I am...alive...quickened. Everything I do is better and every sunrise has joy. She is exstacy to my heart that changes the way I see world. And I don't need a drug-dealer.

So, if it looks like I have serious pause...it is because I do...because I am still "In Love" with her.
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[User Picture]From: cifier77
2005-10-15 07:10 am (UTC)

Wait, I missed something...

Thank you...

Thank you for caring enough to give me some feedback.

To everyone... Truly...

I wanted to make sure I said this to you guys.
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[User Picture]From: cifier77
2005-10-24 03:52 am (UTC)

And just when I thought it was over...

As you know, I have been wrestling with the lost of my beautiful woman.

Yesterday, I thought I would never hear from her again. Today, you guessed it, on my instant messenger I get this:

Ann: sorry I dropped off the face of the planet. today I realized I haven't seen or talked to you since we got back from BM (Burning Man). There's not a moment in my life when I have free time. Sorry if I dissed you.

Now, I can't say I wasn't pleased to receive it.

But more than pleased, I was angry. Well, maybe not angry, but irritated. It feels like she is saying, "Oh my god!! I just realized...you slipped my mind, old chap, so sorry 'bout that. You know how it is, just too busy for the unimportant things."

I am still fighting the urge to chase down women on campus because someone looks like Ann from behind. I am just getting to the point when I don't feel the need to call her. I am almost to the point where I can accept her being gone from my life…Just when I was about to make my plans for school and life without her.
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As you know, I have been wrestling with the lost of my beautiful woman.

Yesterday, I thought I would never hear from her again. Today, you guessed it, on my instant messenger I get this:

Ann: sorry I dropped off the face of the planet. today I realized I haven't seen or talked to you since we got back from BM (Burning Man). There's not a moment in my life when I have free time. Sorry if I dissed you.

Now, I can't say I wasn't pleased to receive it.

But more than pleased, I was angry. Well, maybe not angry, but irritated. It feels like she is saying, "Oh my god!! I just realized...you slipped my mind, old chap, so sorry 'bout that. You know how it is, just too busy for the unimportant things."

I am still fighting the urge to chase down women on campus because someone looks like Ann from behind. I am just getting to the point when I don't feel the need to call her. I am almost to the point where I can accept her being gone from my life…Just when I was about to make my plans for school and life without her. <throws his hands up in the air.>

I haven't sent her a reply. I am not convinced she wants to actually speak to me. But I am not sure I want that anymore. I certainly DON'T want these conflicted feeling of 'should I stay, should I go, should I put a rose bush down my pants? WTF?!?!'

I do, tenderly, miss her. There has not been a day-gone-by where I have not 'wanted' her and her healing touch. Her laugh, her smile, her magic are just a potent, as the day I fell in love with her. But I am still preferring to walk away.

Am I wrong for feeling this way? For ending it now, without a word? Am I missing something?
Or... Am I truly that unimportant, that uninteresting, that unremarkable that I truly deserve this?

What do you think? I am hoping for some feedback from someone out there.
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