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Are kidney thieves still a thing? [Jan. 12th, 2014|09:05 pm]
Poly Bitchings


[Current Mood |beyond crappy]

Back in September my (now ex) primary & I set about writing the 1st draft of our relationship contract as we officially embarked on our poly adventure. Some degree of openness had been discussed since we started dating a year before. At this point we'd been to 2 sex parties, which had ended up being pretty lame & disappointing IMO. I suggested we try poly as I felt I would have a better shot feeling sexually attracted to someone in a dating context. We did an extensive amount of reading, researching, thinking and discussing. It wasn't something we took lightly. We spent a lot of time discussing the fact that, no matter what, our relationship was primary and would be prioritized even if that meant sacrifice in the other relationships.

Flash forward a few months:

My ex started talking to a girl in Peru online (we live in the US). After 1 or 2 days, they were clearly quite infatuated w/ one another. It was a bit creepy to me personally. Then, because she wasn't into "sharing" they decided that they should talk less and only as friends. He asked me if it was OK if he went to meet her. Given that this would be his first "date" & he was already having strong feelings for her, I had my misgivings. The fact that she's (supposedly) a medical student/ model didn't help my insecurities either. But in the end I agreed to let him go, believing in the strength of our relationship. This was all part of the poly experiment after all and even if he had feelings for her, that didn't take anything away from the strength and depth of our relationship. Besides, she's in Peru and as he told me, they'd probably only see each other the one time and their feelings would wane because of the distance. According to him, I was making a bigger deal out of it than it was. When we were still in the pre-poly discussion phase, my ex had impressed upon me the fact that loyalty was extremely important to him. He wouldn't abandon me as my dad had abandoned my family. Especially not after my being there for him through an extremely difficult break-up with his ex. Especially given that our relationship was "extraordinary" and "rare". It just wouldn't make sense to leave me for something new & unknown, particularly given that these new, exciting feelings would eventually fade. He said he would have the loyalty, commitment & self-awareness to handle NRE. So I trusted him,


He left for Peru this past Friday. The days leading up to the trip, I'd been feeling icky & distant. We hadn't seen each other as much as usual.There were also some changes in behavior on his part, but they were small things that could be explained away easily enough. I was actually feeling ok about the trip itself but I didn't want him to leave while I was feeling that way, without at least discussing how I was feeling. So Wednesday night, I said "lets have dinner tomorrow" & he agreed. Late afternoon/ early evening on Thursday, I texted him to let him know that I'd be going straight to his place after work. He responded that he'd be having dinner w/ his parents instead supposedly because he didn't have much food at home. I knew his mom was giving him a ride to the airport but now he was saying that he'd be staying the night there even though his parents are twice as far from the airport. Then he dropped the "we need to talk" bomb, which we wouldn't be able to do for another few hours. Mind you, he did this once before and I told him how fucked up it was to let someone stew in their own misery, waiting for the other shoe to drop. So there I am at work, shaking with anger on the verge of tears asking him if he's planning to break up with me. Again. He said he doesn't know what's right. At this point he's at the gym, and says he's going to go home for a shower after. I'm too upset to stay at work so I tell him I'm leaving and we should talk after he's done showering. I text him to let him know that I'm home and when he gets around to responding, he says he's already at his parents'. He finally calls me and he's so upset that he can barely tell me whats going on. Finally he explains that he has secretly been talking to the Peruvian girl the past couple nights and things have suddenly gotten so serious that its giving him strong doubts about our relationship. I had asked him that weekend & they hadn't spoken for a few weeks after the first couple times, except once when she called to confirm the time of his flight. So it only took one conversation to plant that enormous seed of doubt. Otherwise- as required by our contract- he would've mentioned that they'd started talking again. I rarely drink but I'd been drinking since I got home and while I was coherent, I was starting to slur and become belligerent. He hung up on me and texted my Mom to come check on me,

The next morning, I write him an email, detailing the myriad ways he has fucked up. We text back and forth while he makes his way to the airport. Despite the awful way he treated me the night before, he's actually surprised that i'm breaking up with him. We continue talking and in a moment of weakness, I say that I would be willing to consider things if he just didn't go on the trip. His response? "That won't solve anything". I practically beg him not to go, saying that his deciding to stay would show me that he's not all talk; that he's willing to put our relationship first; that he's willing to sacrifice and do the work of saving our relationship. For somebody he called his family, somebody that he claimed to want to marry- we went shopping for an engagement ring- I clearly didn't mean much to him at that moment. He went on his trip.

What I just can't get past is the cowardly, selfish, stupid way he's handled this whole thing. I could accept that he's having strong feelings for somebody else. We went into this experiment with the expectation that this might happen. What I don't get is why he turned it into an either/ or situation. Isn't the point of the poly thing that you don't have to choose? He told me that he wasn't having any doubts about us until the past couple days of talking to her, so doesn't it seem pretty likely that he's just struggling with some hardcore NRE? How could he be so oblivious after all we talked about? After he was adamant that he would be able to deal with this. And beyond that, he was such a coward to scamper off to Mommy & Daddy's house so he wouldn't have to deal with me face to face. And texting me that we needed to talk, hours before we would even have a chance to? So fucking insensitive. And its unbelievably selfish that he decided to go on the trip even though I practically begged him not to and was so clear about what it would mean to me. It just makes me so angry. And just from a logical standpoint, what can he possibly get out of the next couple days with her that will be worth all of this? I would think that this is just his spineless way of ending our relationship but then why was he surprised that I was breaking up with him? Why was he expecting to talk things over when he got back? Why did he tell me that he was thinking of me and missing me?

The only thing I can think of is that he's got his head so far up his ass that he just can't understand how I feel in all of this.

I'm hoping she turns out to be a kidney thief.

[User Picture]From: bearspirit
2014-01-14 06:27 am (UTC)
I think kidney thieves do exist and so does karma. Maybe you'll be lucky enough that they will go hand in hand. In all seriousness, I had a similar situation happen to me though I was on the other end. A couple I knew were looking to add someone into their relationship (which sounds a tad different than your scenario).Turns out, he was telling her one thing and me another. He told her he was looking to bring someone in for fun and he was telling me that he wanted to be with both of us and she was okay with this. I was freshly out of a relationship that broke me in pieces so I was more vulnerable than I should have been and I initially trusted it. I eventually saw through the cracks and spoke with her and we confronted his slew of lies. In the end, I let them be together because it wasn't worth it. The lying and the drama wasn't what I wanted. You deserve better than that. Being poly isn't a get out of jail free card to leap frog into a new relationship. You deserve someone who is honest and trustworthy especially if you are beginning the poly lifestyle.This would have been my first experience and it was wayyy too much trouble seeing as no one was honest. My second experience was a little less dramatic though a bit unintentional but thats a different story for a different day. I know we've never spoken but if you need someone to kick this guy in the shins with you, let me know. He sounds like a bag of smashed assholes. You'll find better. Pinky promise.
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[User Picture]From: sparklexfades
2014-01-24 04:55 am (UTC)
thanks bearspirit,

this whole thing has been really difficult. Some days it feels like 1 step forward & 2 steps back. I think it is getting microscopically better day by day. Its just so hard to accept how quickly things have changed. Thanksgiving we were showing his sister engagement rings that we looked at. 3 weeks ago we were cuddling on his couch & he was telling me I was his family. A week and a half ago he told me that he was leaving me for her. Now I'm struggling to not storm over to his house & slash his tires. Haven't totally made my mind up on that one actually.

How long have you been doing the poly thing? How's that going? Ideally, i'd like to give it another go someday. Rationally, I know its not being poly that broke us up. Doing this just helped reveal what a dishonest, selfish dick my ex is. So in that sense, I really dodged a bullet. Just right now its nearly impossible to imagine trusting someone enough to date, much less date and share.

and yes, he is a bag of smashed assholes. I have seen the light.
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[User Picture]From: bearspirit
2014-01-24 05:36 am (UTC)
You're welcome hun. I can understand why it would be difficult. Sometimes things change in the blink of an eye. The person that I had been involved with too was my absolute best friend as well and now we don't even speak. Any attempts of communication get rejected. It makes me feel like my heart is imploding. I ended up in a poly like situation which wasnt even intentional. It no longer exists but it gives me an idea what it would be like in the future. Honesty and trust are crucial for it to not implode. I was involved with one person who I think was being okay with it just for me and the other who wanted to trump the first and was willing to be manipulative, callous and cruel to attempt to win me like a trophy. It was bad. It got ugly at times. I've been talking a lot about it in my journal if you'd like to be friends.\

It's good to see the light. It means you'll find bigger and better things that you deserve. Let yourself heal first though.
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[User Picture]From: sparklexfades
2014-01-24 06:14 am (UTC)
sure, i'd like to be friends :) how do you do that on here? aside from my recent post, haven't been on in ages...

id better hit the hay! gnite!
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